This is a personal, even private letter, but our friend is not seeking a private session...just venting, as she describes it...So we will use it as a lesson to all would-be coaches and counselors and others who are going through much the same thing. The Teachers are here today and will preside... and i am very pleased that this can be done for her now...
Hey Ruth,
Doing pretty well.The tremendous panic attacks have subsided and I have been able to stop taking Zanex.
I find myself getting very angry at friends who just will not accept that I need my space & time. I am wondering if it is me or them & have not figured it out yet. I am pretty sure it's them (one in particular who just happens to live in the other half of my duplex.) I love her dearly, but she is so intrusive & controlling. I can't take it!! When I get home I can expect an immediate knock on my door; if I leave the house, I can expect that my cell phone will ring before I reach the end of the block...it drives me crazy!
I have started going out again a minimum of once a week. After my break-up I literally did not leave the house unless I was going to work. I tried having people over, but Betty gets mad because I did not include her! She storms off & has a pitty party at least once a week, because I have hurt her. She says when I have people over she can hear us laughing & talking & it makes her feel bad...it makes me want to scream!
I have told her that if she doesn't stop, I am going to have to move, but it only works for a day or so.
Anyway.....(vent,vent,vent)......all else is going well. Work is great! I continue to excel at my store & am looking forward to a promotion. I was offered a promotion last spring, but with all that was going on in my personal life I knew I was spread too thin to succeed. I am making new friends & reconnecting with old ones (& soon maybe weeding some out). No trouble from my ex recently, my 'step-son' stopped by one day & I told him it was best if he didn't stop anymore. My ex is not stable & if it got out, it would just stir things up again. He said no, X is the same as before (& i thought oh no, must not be taking meds). Anyway 2 days later X was back in the psych ward. I feel bad for him, but cannot be involved.
Take care, hope all is well.
Beth
When you need help, you go to someone who can provide you with adequate care and advice, but not twice if the one who gives you help or tries is not doing anything good for you or not able to be used. You are being used and you are letting your neighbor abuse you.
How can you stop such abuse? You do not stop and talk. You do not answer your phone unless you are beyond the time and place where you usually are called by an interfering neighbor now. Train her to stay off of your phone then and not bother you again. You would not let a dog or cat ruin your life without trying to save her from herself at least once...so try just once to help this woman learn how to be a friend and not end every friendship she has ever had as she is ending this one with you now.
When someone does something long enough to annoy you and get your mind stirred up, it is time to get rid of it and decide what is best. Getting rid of people is your way? You do not want to train them to stay. Why? You are not selecting the kind of people you really like in the first place. Trying to be nice and be likeable is okay during the day and at work, and expected, but when you are home and able to live your own life, be much more selective in whomever you invite into your life.
That is all there is to tell. Everything else is just window dressing and not going to be of much help.
Ruth Lee, Scribe
An old friend and I had this email exchange about Friendship she wrote this: " In order to have a friendship, one must nourish the friendship. "
I replied: "For me, knowing the difference between Nourishing and Purchasing a friendship, is a lesson. That was one of the things that came to me when I was working on my new year's resolution, 'becoming debt free'. Part of my debt was from buying gifts for people who did not appreciate them or even want them. It made me realize that I was trying to buy their love. I believe that the need to buy love, was a first born thing. I had all of Mother's love for a long time, then little sister came, then sick brother came, and I resented them for many years.
This year, I have worked hard at not buying friends, but just nourishing friendship and releasing a lot of people who are not "real friends", in other words, people who are not interested in a nourishing friendship."
My Friend replied: "
Yes, MA'AM! During the past 5 years, I have culled OUT several people myself. I "fired" a person I had called "friend" for TWENTY years. She would call me all the time. My part of the conversation would be "uh-huh," over and over again. She would call me in the middle of the night, whenever it suited HER. Finally, I realized that she was, more accurately, a "colleague," and not a friend. So....I told her to find someone ELSE to call, that I was taking her name OFF my list, that she had NEVER been a real "friend" to me, that I was weary of it all being "about her." Friendship is a MUTUAL arrangement. So..............that was the end of that! I don't need to tell you how relieved I was to have her off my back. I had to laugh out loud when I realized how PATIENT I had been. It had taken me only 20 years to get tired of being USED so blatantly. Hell's bells! I took me 20 years to totally exhaust myself in my marriage to Warner! 20 years seems to be my limit! hahaha.........When I learned the difference between "colleague" and "friend," I unloaded several more people. I guess way back in the 70's and 80's I was just happy to find people who knew what-in-the-heck I was TALKING about. I treasured people who were "of like minds," and designated them "friends" when they were not friends at all.
Then.......as my children became adults, I told them that they were now old enough to take responsibility for THEIR part of the relationship with ME. THEY could actually CALL THEIR MOTHER, not expecting ME to do all the "out-reach." That meant that I had to wean ME from the-ONE-who-nurtures role. After YEARS of doing it this way, they began to catch on. Now and again, they seem to need a "booster shot." hahaha....."
I find it extremely interesting that the folks on your end and I work on the same problem. I guess that it proves we are all related, and living on the same wave length.
Blessings of JOY and LAUGHTER
Nellie
I would advise Beth to block her neighbor's phone number so she need not have to answer her many calls. She needs to tell this woman that she wants private time after a hard day at work and will call her when she wants to be available for her company. This woman is very needy and will continue to harass her until she takes strong measures to eliminate her from her life.
there life that they don't like I always have to ask 'why did you attract that that DNA cluster to you in the first place'.
So Beth could turn her phone off,plug her ears,move into a hole in the ground,yet until she disolves the energy that brought that person into her life the the dirt will remain.So instead of sweaping the phone under the rug,try looking at it like their is a riddle to solve.
I think Nellie is right also and I got a robost laugh at 'firing a freind',yet it may be a little harsh for the some.
For Beth I suggest watching repetitive thought of this person.Try shifting your thoughts to someone else when ever you find yourself
thinking about neighbor.Joe